I never thought, that when I first started to blog on the topic of all things careers, that I would pen one with love in the title.
But here we go.
Micro Moments of Connection and Positivity Resonance.
Back in 2021 in the depths of the pandemic lockdown I attended an excellent on line course delivered by the Royal College of Surgeons Ireland (The Science of Health and Happiness). One part of the content was of particular interest. It was the work of psychologist Barbara Fredrickson, delivered brilliantly by Dr Trudy Meehan.
It was about the concept of ‘positivity resonance’ and micro moments of connection.
“A micro moment of connection is the momentary sharing of one or more positive emotions with another person”.
It is a bond of sameness. A sense that, in that moment, the other person ‘gets you’.
As such, these micro moments of connection can happen just as easily with strangers as with soul mates.
For example:
A chat with the postman.
A laugh with a fellow customer in a shop.
A long hug with someone that we have not seen in a long time.
A total stranger who just ‘gets you’ in that moment.
Positivity resonance, as defined by Fredrickson, is the build-up of these micro moments of connection. It is vital to our survival and well-being , and often we don’t get enough of it.
Fredrickson argues that these micro moments of connections involve three tightly interwoven events:
(i) a sharing of one or more positive emotion,
(ii) a synchrony between your and another’s biochemistry and behaviour (eg mirroring of gestures etc),
(iii) mutual care – a reflected motive to invest in each other’s best interests (in that moment).
What’s love got to do with it?
Frederickson argues that we need to redefine love.
“Rather than think of love as (only) some romantic or intimate thing, we should recognise it as a momentary sharing of positive emotion between two people”.
This is good news. Not everyone has a ‘significant other’ or intimate in their lives. But we all have opportunities to make frequent connections that create micro moment of connections and build positivity resonance.
Our challenge is that ‘love’ or these micro moments of true connection, take time and focus. Our modern technology driven lifestyle baits us to speed through the day at a pace that’s completely incompatible with connection. Love requires us to be physically and emotionally present. It also requires that we slow down.
So, what about romantic love, intimate love, and close friends and family?
The clearest difference between the love that we feel with intimates and the love we feel with anyone with whom we share a connection is its sheer frequency. The more time that you share with someone and the more you know and trust each other, the more fertile the soil for ‘love’ moments. Though as love is momentary, this might explain why we can ‘fall in love’ so easily but staying in love can be the challenge!
Just how many friends do you need?
Some of us have soulmates to whom we tell everything.
Some of us have no one who knows us all.
Some of us talk to our best friend every day.
Some of us connect with our best friend just a few times a year.
Some of us have a best friend, some of us have no best friend, but a circle of good friends.
There is no right way, no wrong way, just your way.
Good connection is about bringing your true authentic self to a conversation. Not easy in a world that continually asks us to ‘fit in’. We are encouraged to be ‘uniquely’ ourself, as long as it fits the blueprint!
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Why connection matters.
“Connected to the world and professionally lonely”.
I hear this quite a lot as I work with employees from companies all around the world. Our super connected, constantly on, digitally connected world is leaving many of us lonely.
Good connection is beneficial for our heart. Fredrickson tells us that the vagus nerve is closely linked to positive emotions that arise from social bonding, such as love, gratitude, and empathy. These emotions contribute to a relaxed state that helps lower heart rate and improve blood flow.
Her research on positivity resonance highlights how moments of emotional connection can enhance vagal tone, leading to improved heart function and overall cardiovascular health. When we experience positive emotions in connection with others, it creates a feedback loop that supports both emotional and physical well-being.
Micro moments of connection provide wonderful ways to build positivity resonance.
But sometimes we need to go deeper with our connection.
Deepening connections.
Recently I was delivering a session on customer connection. It included some interesting research by Psychology Professor, Dan McAdams (1996), on what leads two people to create a connection. He found that there are three main “levels of knowing”, and as you progress through these different stages, you develop a more intimate connection.
This explains why sometimes we can know someone for a long time without really knowing them, and at other times we can connect instantly with a relative stranger (aka micro moments of connection).
The first stage is knowing a person’s general traits, which you learn through typical conversation. In this initial stage, we are likely to discover things like how shy, funny or agreeable someone is.
The second stage is about someone’s personal concerns and interests which we learn by spending a lot of time with the person or being in close proximity to them regularly. We get to learn about their values, worries, goals or how they cope with adversity in this stage.
The last stage, self-narrative, will typically only be uncovered through purposeful questioning. Our self-narrative is shaped by the stories we tell people about ourselves, how we make sense of the world and the things that have happened in our lives. This deepest level of connection shows up most often in those that we consider our ‘intimate or close others’. But it can be developed with anyone with purposeful questioning and active listening.
What matters is not the number of connections that we have, but the quality of the connection. As I once overheard in a movie:
“It’s not the number of people who show up for your funeral that shows a life well lived, but rather then number of people who truly miss you”.
The 5 Love Languages.
One great way to deepen our connection with someone is to speak their ‘love language’.
How to do this is the work of Gary Chapman, author of the book The 5 Love Languages .
Somewhat reluctant to read this book when first recommended to me, it turned out to be really insightful with regard to relationship building, both in our professional and our personal lives.
Chapman identifies five primary love languages that represent different ways people prefer to give and receive love:
Words of Affirmation: These people like verbal expressions of love and appreciation, such as compliments, words of encouragement, and affirming statements.
‘You look great’ ‘That was an excellent presentation’ ‘You always know the right thing to say’
Acts of Service: For these people, actions speak louder than words. Doing helpful tasks, running errands, or taking on chores can be powerful expressions of love. They feel loved when others take time to assist them in meaningful ways.
Cook the dinner, fix the laptop, valet the car.
Receiving Gifts: These people appreciate the tangible symbols of love. Gifts do not need to be expensive, the thought and effort behind the gift matters. People who resonate with this language feel loved when they receive thoughtful presents or gestures.
This brings back memories of my wonderful dad who kept a little black notebook in his pocket. He would make notes in it when my mum mentioned something that was advertised on the tv that she would love. Then he would send us out to buy it on the next trip to town.
Quality Time: Individuals who value quality time feel loved when they spend focused, engaged moments with people who matter in their lives, free from distractions.
Put down the phone, forget the gifts, valet the car later. Let’s just talk or do something together for now.
Physical Touch: Those who resonate with this language feel most loved through touch and physical closeness. This love language involves physical expressions of love, such as hugs, kisses, holding hands, and other forms of physical affection.
Give me a hug, hold my hand, literally, give me a shoulder to cry on.
The key is to understand the key love languages of both oneself and the ‘other’ in the relationship, and adapt accordingly. The problem occurs when our love language is out of sync with that of the other person:
‘Telling me you love me every day, doesn’t cut it, if the dishwasher still isn’t unstacked’.
‘She is so needy, always wants to be complimented’.
‘He never holds my hand when we are out in public’.
‘He’s very generous and buys me lots of lovely gifts, but we never spend time together’.
‘We spend time doing lovely things, but she never tells me that she loves me’.
If you are interested, the book includes some resource to help you establish your own love language and that of the other person.
Where does ‘self love’ fit in?
It’s a bit like the oxygen mask in the flight safety demo – you have to put your own mask on first.
You need to have practises that support your own mental and emotional wellbeing so that you can create moments of positivity resonance and connection with others.
Imagine you are a garden:
Self-directed loving-kindness is like watering and nurturing your own soil. You’re making sure the garden of your heart is fertile, healthy, and ready for connection with others. Without this inner care, your soil might dry up or harden, and nothing can grow. In this sense, loving-kindness toward yourself ensures you’re emotionally resilient and open, creating the conditions necessary for connection.
Positivity resonance, then, is like planting seeds and sharing the flowers that grow in your garden with others.
To conclude.
To conclude then, we might do well to reflect on the connections in our lives. If you are fortunate enough to have that ‘one great love’ of your life – rejoice and enjoy.
If not, take joy in the science that promotes the power of micro moments of connection, and seek them out in your daily life.
You don’t have to have one great ‘love of your life’ to love your life.
Thanks for reading.
Susan
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